Painfully Full

I’ve been a bad Blogger already and I’ve only been blogging a week : /

It was a pretty crazy work week last week thanks to having a trainee at my side. I still managed to stick to my program even though my lovely trainee ordered pizza EVERY night he worked with me!

Still loving the WW program. I lost 2lbs as of last weeks weigh in. That’s success if I’ve ever seen it.It’s been a learning process trying to make the right choices and remembering to track my points. I’ve actually had to work hard to make sure I am eating all of my points. 41 points seems like a lot of food at times….

Ok ok… I may be skipping ahead right now but the last sentence that I typed brought me to a place where I feel like its time for me to share something that is very important to this journey. The whole reason why I’ve been carrying around an extra 100lbs for the last 15  years.

There is really no better way to say it then to say, I am a Compulsive Overeater. (Wiki) I have been for as long as I can remember and it is a major part of my day to day.

I think Compulsive Overeating is easily the most misunderstood eating disorder in the spectrum of eating disorders. I can still remember being 11 years old and hearing a doctor give me that diagnosis. I thought he was completely nuts to even suggest that I had an eating disorder. Even at the young age of 11 I was very aware of what eating disorders were.

I was 9 years old when my Mother was first hospitalized for Anorexia (wiki) and the mental health issues that fueled her disease. At the time of my Mother’s first visit to the Greenbrier Mental Health facility she was around 110lbs. At her statues 5’9 1/2 (the half counts ;)) she was skeletal! Without going into a great amount of detail into what lead my Mother to use self-starvation as a means to cope with life, I will just say my Mom went through a load of shit in her life!

You may be asking your self how my Mother’s Anorexia lead to my life long battle with Compulsive Overeating. I think that is a totally valid question and if you’ll excuse my rambling I will explain it…

Simply put I have been a “Fixer” from a very early age. My real Father (I claim my Step Dad as my Dad) was abusive, and when my Mother would not eat instead of showing concern he would become angry. Some where in my 6-7 year old mind I decided I could fix it by eating more. I would eat enough for the both of us, even to the point where I would be painfully full. Over time that Fixing developed into Coping and that Painfully Full feeling became an obsession; a drug.

During the latter part of my childhood and into my adolescence my relationship with food was molded into something that I guess most people would be able to relate to as Desperation/Obsession. Once I learned to enjoy that Painfully Full feeling my family came to a period in time where we were very poor. There were many, many, many times where we struggled to keep anything in the house and had to rely on the food stamp program and food banks to eat. This period came during the time my parents were embroiled in a very messy divorce and my Mother was still struggling with her Eating Disorder. When some one with Compulsive Overeating  has to worry about where there next meal let alone their next binge will come from, the results are not pretty!

Eventually my Family hit what I would like to think of as our rock bottom and over the last 10-12 years we have healed and moved on to become a family that hold little resemblance to that family of my youth.

My Eating Disorder has followed a similar path over the last decade. I like to use the analogy of a wound who’s scab has just fallen off. It’s not completely healed, still a little sore, but eventually the scar will begin to fade over time. I can say that I have not had a “Full On Binge” aka 3000 calories or more until I was painfully full, in quite a while. The compulsion to over eat is still with me during the stressful time (which seem to pretty often as of late). I still crave that painfully full feeling. And I will admit freely that I have let my self get very close to reaching that point a handful of time in the last couple of years. However when I stand back at look at the where I am and where I was with my disorder, I have to say I am damn proud of my self!

Part of the reason that I started this blog was to give my self an outlet to talk about this and that and share things so that I don’t feel such strong urges to cope using food.

I used to think when I was younger that it would have been easier if I had a “chic” eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. The shame of compulsive overeating was heavy in side and out. Now I know that those thoughts were ridiculous and I am just as able to share my journey with others as anyone else who suffers from any other disorder.

So I hope that I haven’t bored you to tears with all of this. Thank you if you have made it to the end and thank you for taking this journey with me.


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